Talking to Teens about Healthy Relationships – PediaCast 582
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Show Notes
Description
Caitlin Tully visits the studio as we consider teenage relationships. We explore how to open up lines of communication, signs of healthy—and unhealthy—relationships, and best practices for supporting teens as they develop important life skills. We hope you can join us!
Topic
Teenage Relationships
Guest
Caitlin Tully
The Center for Family Safety and Healing
Nationwide Children’s Hospital
Links
The Center for Family Safety and Healing
Green Flags Campaign
Episode Transcript
[Dr Mike Patrick]
This episode of PediaCast is brought to you by the Center for Family Safety and Healing at Nationwide Children's Hospital.
Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to PediaCast. We are a pediatric podcast for moms and dads.
This is Dr. Mike, coming to you from the campus of Nationwide Children's Hospital. It's episode 582. We're calling this one Talking to Teens About Healthy Relationships.
I want to welcome all of you to the program. As you know, relationships are a very big part of growing up. And for teenagers, navigating friendships, dating, and communications can feel overwhelming at times.
As parents and caregivers, we play an important role in helping our teens build healthy, respectful connections. And that's sometimes difficult, especially when maybe we have issues ourselves with our relationships and with communication. And so not only are we trying to help our kids build those skills, but we're working on those skills and modeling those skills for our kids.
And so, it's really important. And communication and interpersonal relationships and building that, even in adulthood, is really important. So today we're going to explore how to open up lines of communication and keep them open with our children and our teenagers.
We'll also consider signs of healthy and unhealthy relationships and best ways to offer support for teens as they develop all of these important life skills. Of course, in our usual PediaCast fashion, we have a terrific guest joining us this week, Caitlin Tully. She is a community educator and prevention manager for the Center for Family Safety and Healing at Nationwide Children's Hospital.
She will be with us shortly. We're going to talk about open lines of communication, setting boundaries, red flags, green flags, digital rights, lots coming up in this conversation that's going to be important, especially for parents with preteens and teenagers at home. Although open lines of communication and nonjudgmental conversations is important, really, from a very young age, because when you make that a part of the family culture when kids are really young and talking to them in developmentally appropriate and age-appropriate ways that change as they get older, but starting early really is key to success.
Although, if you haven't done that, it's never too late to start having open conversations. In the course of this episode, we'll talk a lot more about how to do that successfully. Before we get started, I do want to remind you the information presented in PediaCast is for general educational purposes only.
We do not diagnose medical conditions or formulate treatment plans for specific individuals. If you're concerned about your child's health, be sure to call your healthcare provider. Also, your use of this audio program is subject to the PediaCast Terms of Use Agreement, which you can find at pediacast.org.
Let's take a quick break. We'll get Caitlin Tully settled into the studio, and then we will be back to talk about teens and healthy relationships. It's coming up right after this.
Caitlin Tully is a community educator and prevention manager for the Center for Family Safety and Healing at Nationwide Children's Hospital. She is passionate about supporting teens and families as they explore teenage relationships, including communication strategies, red flags, and green flags. That is what she is here to discuss, talking to teens about healthy relationships.
But before we dive in, let's offer a warm PediaCast welcome to our guest, Caitlin Tully. Thank you so much for stopping by the studio today.
[Caitlin Tully]
Thank you so much for having me. I'm so grateful to have this conversation with everyone.
[Dr Mike Patrick]
Yeah, it is a really important conversation, and I'm excited to share this with moms and dads out there. Why don't we start with just why is it important for parents to talk openly with their teens about relationships? It seems like this could be sort of a tough topic to talk about.
A lot of parents may not feel comfortable doing it, but why is it so important?
[Caitlin Tully]
Yeah, that's a great point. This can be uncomfortable, sometimes awkward. We recognize that, and we also recognize that a connection with a safe adult talking about healthy relationships is the most supportive factor, the most protective factor for teens to have healthy relationships throughout their life.
So, what we always say is that, yes, sometimes could there be a little adult discomfort, some teen discomfort, yes, but there's so much value in pushing through that discomfort as a model for how you navigate conflict in relationships, conflict in all of the things that teens have to navigate. So, it is important for adults to take that first step to open up these conversations. We definitely recommend early and often as kind of the best strategy for doing this, so that it becomes a normal part of what teens expect from their caregivers or their parents as they navigate dating relationships.
So sometimes people ask me, when should we start this, like 10 or 11? They're like, I don't want my 11-year-old to date. But you want your 11-year-old to have the framework for how to talk about this as they get older.
[Dr Mike Patrick]
Yeah, and it's particularly important because I think I had read one in three teens experience some sort of abuse when they're dating, whether that's mental abuse or physical abuse. So, it's really important that they feel comfortable talking to someone when issues like that come up, right?
[Caitlin Tully]
Absolutely, yes. We know this is so common. And oftentimes teens will not talk about this until they're out of that relationship when they're older.
And that's for a multitude of reasons. One is that young people tell us they just didn't recognize, they didn't have the tools to be able to see what those red flags were or how to support green flags. And then second is that they didn't have a safe space to talk about it.
So, the research shows us that two out of three teens did not have a safe space to tell someone. And so that's why having a caregiver that is able to start these conversations, has the tools, will help young people to recognize this earlier, or even hopefully prevent something from happening in their relationships as they get older.
[Dr Mike Patrick]
What are some practical ways that parents can create that safe space to have these conversations?
[Caitlin Tully]
Absolutely. One of the things that I always say is that curiosity, approaching with curiosity is the best thing that parents can do. Because this is an uncomfortable conversation, because parents may not feel like they have all the answers, they sometimes respond with fear or with judgment when they hear something from their children.
And so, I always recommend really try as hard as it may be to start with curiosity. That will help to create that safety. So, if you hear something that you don't really like or makes you uncomfortable, say, tell me more, or how can I support you through this?
Rather than leaning into your advice or into kind of your expectations of what should happen next, that can help to create a safer dialogue.
[Dr Mike Patrick]
And dialogue, that's an important word, because we really do want these to be conversations, not lectures, correct?
[Caitlin Tully]
Exactly. That's the number one thing that the teens that I work with tell me. It's like, I want to hear about my family's expectations about relationships.
I want to know what my parents' experiences were like, what they recommend that I do, but I do not want it to be a lecture. I want to be able to express myself as well. And so, we know that that's what teens are telling us in the community.
We want to share that information back with parents.
[Dr Mike Patrick]
And it does take some practice, but using open-ended questions rather than something that they can just answer yes or no. Because a lot of teenagers, if they have that option, like, yeah, no, if they don't have to expound on it, then they're oftentimes just fine with that because it's the path of least resistance. But having open-ended questions back and forth and answering questions, but then asking your own questions and, you know, that nonjudgmental attitude.
And not only when talking about the teen's relationship, but even as parents when we talk about other people's relationships or, you know, the relationship between mom and dad or other partner that they may have, those are the kids are watching and teenagers are watching and what they learn about relationships, of course, occurs at school, but also in the house too.
[Caitlin Tully]
Yes. And that's something that teens tell us all the time is how their parents talk about other relationships within the family or how they talk about their friends' relationships makes them think, oh, that's what they think about my relationship. And so, if there is any judgment or negativity in the way that parents talk about other people, teens have the opportunity to internalize that.
And so, we really want to be mindful as you're having that conversation or even any conversation around young people how are you talking about others as well? They are very attuned to that and are paying attention to everything that parents are saying.
[Dr Mike Patrick]
Yeah. Yeah. There's a thing called the Green Flags campaign.
What exactly is that and why was it created? Yes.
[Caitlin Tully]
We created the Green Flags campaign at the Center for Family Safety and Healing because we were hearing over and over from teens, oh, everyone's just handing me a list of red flags and telling me what not to do. But what does healthy look like? What should I expect from a partner?
Like how should I treat a partner? And these were big questions. When I'm in schools, I often hear young people telling me, oh, it's easy to list off red flags, but then you ask them healthy and it's much harder to find examples in pop culture, examples in their family.
And so, we know that parents may not always have the tools themselves to talk about this. So, we created the Green Flags campaign. One, to flip the script so that we could start with healthy.
And two, to make sure that teens and their safe adults had all of the resources that they needed to help support healthy relationships.
[Dr Mike Patrick]
And this is available at greenflags.info. And I'll put a link to that in the show notes for this episode 582 over at pdacast.org so folks can find that really easily. What exactly can folks expect if they visit that website? What do you have there?
[Caitlin Tully]
Yes, we have lots of great blog articles and resources that parents and teens can explore. There are also links to our call, text, chat resources, which are a really important part of the Green Flags campaign. Because again, as we know that two out of three teens do not have access to a safe adult, we wanted to close that gap.
So, they can call, text, or chat Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. with what we're calling a Green Flags Pro. So, they're a trained professional able to answer questions. And I also appreciate that we welcome adults calling about teen relationships on that line as well.
So, if there is a caregiver or parent who is interested in resources or they have questions about how to begin this conversation, they can connect with a safe adult as well.
[Dr Mike Patrick]
So greenflags.info, and that's going to have support for teenagers, but also resources for parents too.
[Caitlin Tully]
Correct. There's actually a whole section that's all about adults supporting teens. And there are toolkits and resources that are PDFs they are able to save, as well as online or digital resources.
[Dr Mike Patrick]
And one of those resources is the Green Flags Conversation Starter Cards. So, we mentioned that these can be difficult conversations to have and think about open-ended questions. But if you want something to encourage the conversations, you can use the Green Flags Conversation Starter Cards.
What exactly are those, and how can parents put them to use?
[Caitlin Tully]
Yes, we knew we wanted, again, to have additional tools to help support these conversations. So, we asked our Youth Advisory Council, which is a group of 25 teens here in central Ohio who help support prevention efforts around healthy relationships. We asked them to create these cards.
So, they created 20 cards that are youth voice, very much a youth-driven project to say, if you could have a conversation with adults about healthy relationships, what would you want to talk about? And so, they developed, again, these 20 cards that are designed to help parents navigate these conversations, also give some more structure. We know that teens often tell us that if they have more structure around these conversations, that that feels safer for them.
So, for all of those reasons, these conversation starters are helpful for parents and their kids.
[Dr Mike Patrick]
What are some examples, then, of green flags in healthy relationships? What are those things that we're looking for that lets us know that the relationship is healthy?
[Caitlin Tully]
Absolutely, and this is actually what kicks off those conversation starter cards, so it's a great place to start. But green flags are those positive behaviors that we want in relationships. It's how we want to be treated.
It's how we want to treat other people. So, to me, some of the signs that the teens that I work with, for example, are experiencing green flags is that they have balance in their life. Yes, they may have a relationship, but they also have friendships that are really solid.
They have time for self-care. They're able to balance their grades and their extracurricular activities. And so, all of these things are integrated together in a way that makes them feel safe and supported.
Those are the signs to me that someone is experiencing a green flag or a healthy relationship. And then for teens who maybe are engaging in a healthy relationship or treating their partner in a healthy way, they see power as equal. So, I'm always looking at when their partner has a suggestion or wants to offer something about the relationship or even just something to do, how does that person respond?
They respond by making fun of them or putting them down or ignoring them. Those are signs that they're not engaging in healthy behaviors towards their partner. And those are things that parents might actually be able to observe.
That's the one challenge is it's hard for parents to see these signs, but those are things that they might actually be able to see.
[Dr Mike Patrick]
What are some other red flags that might indicate that things are not healthy and hopefully we can talk about it?
[Caitlin Tully]
Yes, absolutely. So red flags are going to be those unsafe behaviors. These are going to be things that people are doing to try to get power or control in that relationship.
It's a wide variety of things that could be red flags and very much dependent on that individual as to what is unsafe to them. Signs that they might be going through that is major changes in behavior or appearance. This is usually the first thing that a parent will notice is that maybe they will see changes in clothing.
They may start wearing makeup or stop wearing makeup. They may start to isolate. Isolation is a very large sign.
If friends stop engaging with them or their grades start to drop, again, kind of that contrast to that green flag. Those are the things I pay attention to with the teens that I work with. And then signs that someone is engaging in harm, the things that I hear most often are what I call the language of entitlement.
So, this is where they say, it's my right or I'm allowed to or because you're my boyfriend or because you're my girlfriend, I'm allowed to treat you this way. And that to me is the number one indicator that red flag behaviors are happening.
[Dr Mike Patrick]
And when parents see that, what's the best way to approach talking to your teen about what you're observing? Because I imagine teens can get defensive pretty quickly and you may feel like, well, what, my parent doesn't think that I see that or doesn't recognize my ability to be able to handle it on my own. So, it can be a little uncomfortable and kids may be hesitant to talk about it.
So how can parents start those particular conversations?
[Caitlin Tully]
So, we know that adolescent brains are in a big time change and that they are still building some of those skills for impulse control and empathy. But even so, starting with empathy is so powerful. How do you think that would make your partner feel?
Or, you know, what, if you're joking, are there ever times where jokes don't land with you or feel uncomfortable or where's the line around what jokes look like in a relationship? Really starting to build some empathy about how that might be impacting other people. We know that sometimes young people are engaging in red flag behaviors because they don't have the tools, or they don't see the impact of their behavior.
So, we really have a wonderful opportunity as parents to disrupt these behaviors before they become patterns, right, before they become something that are really rooted in power and control as they get older. So, starting with empathy, starting with curiosity, like you shared before, can really help to navigate red flag behaviors. Now, I have these conversations with teens all the time and I recognize when that defensiveness pops up, but I found that starting with what do they think about those behaviors, how would it feel if those behaviors happened to them, really starts them on a pathway of, hmm, how am I behaving and how could that be impacting my partner?
[Dr Mike Patrick]
And I would imagine that those conversations can also help the teen with their conversations with their partner too. So, like if there are these red flags, maybe having that conversation with your teen can help facilitate your teen having a similar conversation with their partner.
[Caitlin Tully]
Absolutely. Because one of the things that I hear a lot from teens is that they believe that green flags relationships never have any conflict. And we recognize as adults that that's just not true.
It's all about the healthy ways that we navigate conflict and manage it. And so, if you're able to manage uncomfortable, difficult, tricky, potentially defensive conversations, you're modeling that conflict is not the problem. It may be how we manage that is the issue and that we can continue to grow our skills in that area.
Yeah.
[Dr Mike Patrick]
Are there some things that parents can do to help their teens build healthy communication skills?
[Caitlin Tully]
Yes, absolutely. We know that healthy communication is foundational to relationships and that we want to recognize that it's uncomfortable. Teens are still building these skills around healthy communications, but that adults have such a big part of this.
Because what teens tell me all the time is that healthy communication is hard because there are so many ways to avoid it. The trend right now is to call something cringe, right? So, anything that is vulnerable, anything that you have to be honest about, can feel cringe or embarrassing.
So more than ever, what I've noticed is that teens will try to ghost in relationships. They will try to maybe use texts or DMs as a way to avoid conversations. So, one of the conversation starter cards, for example, is it easier to talk about something in person or via texts or DMs and why?
And that really helps young people to recognize what's uncomfortable about this and how do I push through that discomfort? Again, this is skill building. If teens had the opportunity to avoid discomfort, they will.
And it's our job as adults to help them create those healthy communication skills.
[Dr Mike Patrick]
And these are skills not only for relationships. This is a great building area for it. But really in your teen's life moving forward as a young adult and then as an older adult, we are going to have conflicts in lots of things because we have relationships of one sort or another with other people.
And when you have multiple people, you're often going to have different ideas and opinions. And so, these are skills that really do transfer into a higher education, into the workplace, into adult friendships, and all of those things. Another important thing is boundaries.
How do we talk to kids about boundaries and why are those so important in teen relationships?
[Caitlin Tully]
Yes, absolutely. Boundaries are foundational to healthy relationships. They're how we want to treat others.
They're how we want to be treated by others. And so, there's been kind of a growing dialogue amongst teens and on social media about boundaries. And one of the challenges with that is that sometimes that term boundaries is misunderstood or even sometimes misused.
So, if parents can be a voice to talk about those boundaries, they can help to unpack some of those messages. Because one of the things that I see often is that young people who are engaging in harm will try to use the term boundaries to justify their behavior. So, for example, you're not allowed to talk to certain people.
That's just my boundary. Or you need to be available to me online 24-7. That's my boundary.
And so, we want to help young people figure out what's the difference between a boundary, how we want to be treated, and control, right, trying to have power over someone else. And so, giving them really concrete examples is very powerful. So, one, for example, that I use with a lot of teens I work with is if you say someone who's controlling, who's using controlling behaviors might say something like, well, you know, our relationship is important to me, so you need to hang out with me 24-7.
Like you need to give up time with your friends because if your relationship is important to you like it is to me, you would give up your time. And kind of flipping that around to say a boundary would be a relationship can be important to both of you and you can have time for your friends and time for other things in your life and setting really clear boundaries about what that looks like. So, for example, if someone says, you know, our relationship is important to me, you're important to me, and my friends are important to me too.
We have plans on Friday. I'm not going to be available to text or call, but I'll call you tomorrow. That's an example of a boundary that they can practice to really learn how to, you know, have those healthy separation and ensure that they're able to understand those messages of boundaries versus control.
[Dr Mike Patrick]
Yeah, and as you explained that it makes sense, but finding those words to make it make sense can be difficult because you can see how when you're thinking about what a boundary is, how someone could use that for control. And so having that conversation and providing examples I think is really going to be important. And this is, again, another thing where we want boundaries in many areas of our lives, not just relationships.
And so, this is a great practice ground, and I'm sure when you have a new baby, you don't imagine yourself, oh gosh, I have to teach them about boundaries when they're teenagers. It's not an easy thing. And so, this, again, this is why greenflags.info is going to have some really great resources to help parents navigate these conversations.
[Caitlin Tully]
Exactly. We do have a blog article exactly on this, and it has a chart of boundaries versus control because this shows up in a lot of different areas of life. Like you mentioned, it's not just dating relationships.
This can show up in many different spaces. And so having a lot of examples is very helpful, and then also practicing what those examples look like. So, I always say around the boundaries conversation, if you can include what if practice questions, that's so powerful.
So, what if your partner wanted you to text while you were out with your friends? How would you manage that situation? And what if conversations are so powerful because, one, the teens are determining the outcomes.
They're creating the solutions. You're not lecturing or telling them. They're the ones coming up with those creative solutions, which means they're more likely to use them and remember them.
And so that I find to be very powerful. We use what if conversations in a lot of relationship dynamics in our work, and I found that when I use what if conversations with teens versus telling them what to do, they really enjoy that practice. They love being the experts.
So, let's use that to our advantage.
[Dr Mike Patrick]
Yeah, absolutely. You know, the more you have these conversations, the more comfortable they become. But at the same time, if you try to have them too often, sometimes that'll shut kids down.
So, there's a fine line between what's helpful and you're really trying to get your point across, but in conversation and not lecturing. But you can overdo that a little bit, too, right?
[Caitlin Tully]
Yes, I definitely think it's a balance, like all things in healthy relationships. And so, taking cues from your teen. If they are happy with a couple questions and then they're like, OK, I'm ready to move on, we can respect that.
We can always come back to this conversation. Integrating this in really natural ways, too. So, I know oftentimes car rides can be a great opportunity for this, or sometimes teens really like to have these more vulnerable conversations at night.
So, like welcoming them in for a short period of time to have these later in the evening can sometimes just, again, be in alignment with the natural teen rhythms in a way that doesn't bombard them but has enough balance to give them the support. And what I found is if parents can respect that balance, they're more likely to have their teens come to them when there is a concern or there is a conflict. So that's what we're really preparing them.
We don't need to lecture them 24-7. We just need them to know that we are an open space if they need support or advice.
[Dr Mike Patrick]
Yeah, yeah. And I think, too, as we get older in a lot of our relationships, we do handle conflict through conversation. But with our kids and teens, there's already this mutual respect that sometimes things go unspoken.
And you still know that you have support and that you're loved, but it may not be in the form of conversation that goes on and on and on. So, from the parent standpoint, we want to talk about this, and sometimes our kids will be like, oh, I got to talk about this again. But they really are listening.
And so, for the parents out there, I would say don't be discouraged if your child isn't like 100% on board and wants to talk about this for hours. But it's still important to get your point across in a conversational kind of manner. And then if it only lasts five minutes, they did hear you.
So, I would just, you know, you can get discouraged, I think, as a parent when you want to talk about something for an hour and your kid is like, okay, look, five minutes, I'm going to shut this down. I don't want to talk about this anymore. Because that's a real thing that happens.
[Caitlin Tully]
Absolutely. I agree with you. And one strategy that I found when maybe they don't want to talk about it because the parent might jump in and say, okay, tell me what you think about relationships.
Well, that's very vulnerable. And most teens don't want to spend an hour doing that. But oftentimes, if you can make it a more universal conversation, so you can say something like, what are relationships like at your school?
Or how do your friends think about relationships? That will open up the door for additional conversation. So oftentimes, if you're finding that shutdown or that disengagement, switch up the strategies.
Find a more universal way of approaching it. Asking, again, their expertise I found to be very much supportive of they are much more interested in talking about that than they are about answering personal questions. Which I think is true across the lifespan.
But it is very much important to honor that teens in particular have a greater level of self-consciousness that we want to respect and honor.
[Dr Mike Patrick]
What about digital rights? This was something else that has come up that I hadn't heard of in those terms before. But it's a really important concept.
What are digital rights and why are they important for teens?
[Caitlin Tully]
Just like you were talking about honoring the natural ways that teens want to communicate. Digital rights are a framework to switch from traditional messaging about what to do or not to do into what do you have the right as far as your basic rights as a teenager around technology and having those healthy digital boundaries. So, for example, in some traditional messaging, you might say something like, don't share your password with anybody.
It's not a good idea. That's something that I hear all the time when I'm in schools or community-based setting is a lecture about don't share your password. A digital rights framework would say something more like everyone has the right to keep their digital information private, including passwords.
So, it's a way of switching it up. And what we found is that teens are much more likely, especially older teens, we're talking like 15, 16 plus, much more likely to engage in a digital rights conversation around what their boundaries look like. And I think one thing for parents to keep in mind here, too, and I think about digital rights, is that our work has shifted as parents.
Oftentimes it used to be, you know, come back when the streetlights turn on. That has changed, right? So, a lot of parents are tracking their children.
And then I get teenagers who say, well, my partner wants to track me, and they say it's because they love me. And that's exactly what my parents said. So how is it any different?
So, I also think parents can take that digital rights framework to think about what does it look like if your family is using tracking software? What does it look like to have healthy boundaries? Who has access?
How do they access it? Why are you using that as a family, really sending those messages to teenagers? Because otherwise they're using that as a model for all other relationships as well in a way that may not be appropriate.
[Dr Mike Patrick]
As kids get older, we want parents to know what their kids are doing when they're online. And so that we can have some sense of, you know, are they getting bullied? Is there some way that I can help?
Especially when they're really young, as they first start to get involved in social media and having online conversations with folks. But as they get older, kids want that privacy. And just like if they were at school having a conversation with a friend in person, they don't have their parent hanging out, you know, behind their shoulder, listening to every single thing that they say all day long.
So, when parents want to see their texts or want to see what they're doing on social media, the digital rights also extend between the child and the parent too. So how do you navigate that with wanting to know what's going on in your kid's life and wanting to be there for them, but also giving them privacy in those conversations? In other words, should teenagers share their passwords with their parents?
[Caitlin Tully]
Yes, and this is a very tricky area for parents to decide what is safe. Because every parent that I work with that uses a parental control app, their ultimate goal is I want to keep my child safe. And I'm always looking at what is the research telling us about what online safety actually looks like.
And what we know is that when kids are under the age of 13, those parental control apps are key to their safety. They do not have the tools, they do not have the, you know, brain development to be able to make safety choices. But as we see teens 13 plus, we want to again treat this as a developmental process, teens 13 plus, parental control apps are actually linked with more harassment and more like online, you know, dangerous situations.
And so, we want to really be thinking critically about, yes, you may be thinking that you're using this parental control app for safety. But actually, what is linked to safety is open conversations and teens knowing that they can come to you if they need support. So, we call these family safety strategies.
They are things like code words. They are in an uncomfortable situation. They're asked to spend the night.
They don't want to do that, but they don't want to seem uncool. They text the parent a code word and that parent calls and says, so sorry, Dr. Mike, you can't spend the night. Right.
So, it's the parent taking the heat for some of those social situations is actually linked to healthier online behaviors, even though that's more of an in-person behavior. So really want to be thinking critically about what does safety look like? And the research is pretty clear that parental control apps as teens get older are actually linked with less safe behavior.
So, we want to keep that in mind. What do we replace it with? We replace it with those conversations of safety plans and those family safety strategies.
[Dr Mike Patrick]
And the earlier you start that, you just make that open conversation part of the family culture, even before they're 13. You know, when they're eight, you know, just start having open conversations like, hey, you can talk to me about anything.
[Caitlin Tully]
One of the things that I hear from teens all the time is that they're very concerned about their parents' reactions. Their parents have said, if you make a mistake, you will lose your phone. You will lose these privileges.
Well, what child is going to go to their caregiver saying, hey, I messed up or, hey, I'm in a difficult situation when they know they're going to lose this lifeline to their social connections? They're not. So, they problem solve other ways.
They get advice from online sites like Reddit. They turn to their friends. And what I always say to parents is, do you want to be the safe space for advice, or do you want it to be these online or friend spaces?
And so, one of the things that I recommend is that parents say to themselves, when you're navigating those safety concerns, you're seeing these things that make you uncomfortable. Say my only job in this moment is to stay calm. If I can manage my own emotions in this space, we can find safety.
We can make a safety plan together. But oftentimes, it's the parent is so scared or fearful that there's a lot of dysregulation. There's a lot of anger, frustration, or reactive decisions.
And that's what can drive children out of parent connection into these other spaces that may not be safe.
[Dr Mike Patrick]
Yeah, because we really do yearn as humans to have connection. And your teen is going to find a safe space somewhere. And it really, hopefully, you want it to be with you.
And the earlier you start that, the better that's going to turn out, really.
[Caitlin Tully]
Yes, and what we know is that oftentimes adults are more powerful peers that are engaging in harm online. They are reaching out to young people. The first thing that they do is say, I care about you.
You're important to me. You're amazing. Because that is often what kids who are seeking those kinds of relationships, that's the gap, right?
That's not what they're not getting in their parent relationships. So, we want to be that voice. We want to be that safe connection that says, you are important.
You are valued. We care deeply about your safety, and you are important to us.
[Dr Mike Patrick]
We've talked about a lot of things today. We've talked about greenflags.info and the conversation starter cards. We've talked about boundaries and digital rights.
Lots of things to consider, and these may be some new things for parents. If they head over to greenflags.info, they can go into a lot more depth and resources. And again, we'll have a link to that in the show notes for episode 582 over at pdacast.org.
If you had to distill this conversation down to the main points, what are the take-homes? What final advice would you want to give to parents for maintaining open conversations about relationships?
[Caitlin Tully]
Absolutely. I think curiosity, empathy, compassion for ourselves and for our teens will help to model healthy relationships and help them access the supports they need for healthy relationships for the rest of their lives. And so, some of the things that I hear from parents are, I didn't have this example in my own life.
You know, we call it a blueprint for healthy relationships. I didn't have my own blueprint. Or, hey, I made choices in my teen relationships that I don't want my teen to repeat.
So, I really want to be able to control this situation and make sure that they have healthy outcomes. And it's honoring that our teens have to learn in their own ways, in their own time, but that we can, with that compassion, that curiosity, that empathy, we can build healthier relationships for ourselves and for our teens.
[Dr Mike Patrick]
Really important. And again, we'll have a link to the Green Flags campaign in the show notes, also to the Center for Family Safety and Healing, which does wonderful work here at Nationwide Children's Hospital. So once again, Caitlin Tully, Community Educator and Prevention Manager with the Center for Family Safety and Healing at Nationwide Children's Hospital.
Thank you so much for stopping by today.
[Caitlin Tully]
Yes, thank you again for having me.
[Dr Mike Patrick]
We are back with just enough time to say thanks to all of you for taking time out of your day and making PediaCast a part of it. Really do appreciate that. Also, thanks again to our guest this week, Caitlin Tully, Community Educator and Prevention Manager for the Center for Family Safety and Healing at Nationwide Children's Hospital.
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And until next time, this is Dr. Mike saying stay safe, stay healthy, and stay involved with your kids. So long, everybody.
